To You From Depression & I

Here’s a letter I wrote to my partner when I was at toughest point of my battle with depression.
Dear You,
I love you dearly, more than anything in this whole world. I think you already know this. I know you love me too, I just forget sometimes.
Depression clouds my mind and fills me with horrid thoughts about how unlovable and worthless I am. Sometimes I believe you, sometimes I believe depression.
I know you prefer the good days when I’m happy, not anxious or snappy, and I wish I could have these days every day. But I can’t. I feel the cloud approaching and it petrifies me.
Sometimes I tell you and sometimes I don’t. Please, if you notice the cloud before I tell you, just hug me tight and tell me we’ll fight it together. Please don’t ask me if I’m OK – my automatic answer will be yes. In reality, it’s a big no. You see, depression makes me feel ashamed.
I know sometimes I overreact about the smallest things and get angry, but please be patient with me. Forgetting to take the bin out will not be the real reason. It’s that I feel like I’m losing control over my mind.
Depression is very clever, you see – it builds up a wall of anger piece by piece, and you never notice it until it’s so big it begins to topple over. I’m sorry you get the brunt of my anger on cloudy days. Please forgive me. Please. Just tell me you love me and leave me to calm down.
I know it’s hard to help somebody through depression; having experienced it with my mum. I understand. I totally get it. Just listen to me and ask about the cloudy days. I can’t just bring it up in conversation. Depression clouds your mind. I need you to break the silence.
There will be lots of times I feel like you’d be better off without me. Sometimes I’ll tell you. Most of the time I won’t.
Sometimes I can go for months without those thoughts crossing my mind, and other times I think about them every second of every day for weeks. That’s the scary truth.
Depression is vile – a vile, nasty monster. Please always keep an eye on me, but know no matter how many times you tell me I’m worth it I probably won’t believe it on cloudy days – but please never stop telling me. Ever.
I love our life together but sometimes I feel like a failure. I feel like a rubbish partner, daughter, sister, friend. My mind nags me and tells me other people do things better and love better than me. I feel like I always fall short. I find it so hard being a me on cloudy days, but I try so hard to not let anyone notice the clouds. I hope you know I try.
When the black cloud is here it consumes my mind. I fight it so hard for myself and for you.
I know I don’t talk about these black clouds often, but I want to. I hate the silence it forces me to keep. There’s a certain freedom when it comes to talking openly about the monster. Help me find that freedom.
Depression makes me feel exhausted at times. Sometimes its is so bad I just want to cry. Sometimes I do. Other times I lay awake at night and worry about things that won’t even happen. Squeeze my hand tight if you are awake too.
Sometimes it takes every bit of motivation to get up in the morning, some days I never let you in on this – others it just gets too much.
A new day often scares me. I wonder, will I cope? Will the sky be blue or black? Is the weather nice?
Every single morning is hard, but seeing you makes it easier.
I want to publicly thank you for loving me and supporting me.
You are the best.
I love you forever and always,

Leah is people powered! She is a woman on a mission to Encourage, Support and Inspire you as she writes. Her passion lies in topics relating to Mental Health, Women Empowerment, Self Care and Self Love.
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